Starfish

Disheartened

2006-07-30T17:13:00.000+08:00

Okay, I never really thought that I can live up to another 4 years dependent on my mom. I mean, I want to earn and provide for myself. It's tough having to ask for money and answer all those questions that will make you regret asking after all. It sucks. Really. I know I haven't been out of college and I'm thinking about all of these but I want to be sure of what is to come. I want to have a picture on how I will be like after college. If right now I'm this disappointed, then I should know how not to disappoint myself after all of these.

I'm not after the money. I just want to be happy and not like a shock absorber or someone who gets blamed for being such a nice kiddo. I do not want to be compared to people who in the first place have not made such an impact in their own lives.

I just want to live happily. That's all. Gahd, why is it so hard to reach that one goal!

Going On 2

2006-07-25T18:20:00.000+08:00

Two days of no school makes me think that tomorrow will just be the same. I dunno, I just have a feeling. The rain is pouring nonstop but of variable measure.

Anyway, I still haven't gotten my money. But oh well, this is what you get when you have no school and no work for that matter. And am still planning on going to med school. Hay. That's life. I was just talking to my friend and she is so damn lucky. She's studying, working and have all those perks. You know, earning $800 a month and having a car. She says she likes her lifestyle because its challenging and the fact that it is challenging makes me envy her. I can't even earn a single cent here. I have to get it from mommy. Wow.

I want to work already. I mean, its different when you have your own money. No one will stop you from buying whatever you want but don't get me wrong here, things that you've been wanting to have. If it can cover an apartment and a car well that will make me better off on my own already. How I wish :) Well, I'm not complaining but my life right now is just school and my room. I can't even hang out at a nearby Starbucks with a friend or two. You know, chat and not worry about who will get mad or so. For god sakes, I'm 20.

PostSecret

2006-07-23T17:37:00.000+08:00

Yey! I got the book. It was the last piece, maybe the one I was looking at during sale. Yes, its kind of used and all that, like at lot of hands have touched it and maybe looked at the pictures. I'm glad I bought it. It's my favorite book right now. I figured that getting something that used for a thousand bucks is worth it. Just figured that that booked touched so many lives and so that makes it even more like a collector's item for me.

Well, I also purchased 4 DVDs, Grey's Anatomy and House. I'm finishing House Season One right now. I love Dr. House. I also got two books, To Kill A Mocking Bird (because of the cover, but I've read it several times already) and Pride and Prejudice (I also like its cover).

I just started reading The Devil Wears Prada and I can't go on because I got an exam.

So there! I love my stuff! I can't wait for term break... Reading is fun! Hahaha.

Detachment

2006-07-20T18:26:00.000+08:00

Okay, I just talked to my mom and I was thinking of spending my break in Singapore. I need to refresh myself because another 22.5 units is stored for next term. Yes, 22.5 units yet again. I'm two terms away from that grand slam (if it were in tennis hahaha). Graduation sounds fun!

Well, Sara and I did our own version of Lucas and Haley resolutions, ours was monthly. And it has to be opened on the 20th of August. I showed her some pictures of me too. Maybe I just want her to know my world. She's one of my good friends in school, she's not just a blockmate. I hope she knows that.

We talked to my adviser this afternoon and it was fun talking about med school. We totally left our thesis out of the conversation hahaha. Sir Pat had a pep talk with Gelo because we can't move on without him. But of course, I know his reasons and I understand him only that I don't want to get delayed that's why.

I sound busy and that's a good thing! Also I now know the real meaning of friendship. It's not just being a blockmate, its more than that. I got confused a bit right there!

Anyway... my friend Kitkat sent me this message: A professor asked his students to correctly puntuate this sentence: A woman without her man is nothing.
The boys said...
A woman, without her man, is nothing.
The girls said...
A woman: without her, man is nothing.
Hehehe that's just a commercial!

Colors

2006-07-19T21:38:00.000+08:00

This journal has been very very pessimistic. Thanks to me. Hahaha. I was just reading a friend's blog and I am so inspired as to how she is able to balance family, school and work. She's abroad right now and I'm not going to think of going there in a heartbeat but I feel like I might just have a life there. I mean school here is whole day, no time for work and play. Well, I'm a bio student, again thanks to me. How can I put color into my life?

I was just thinking as to why not act like a college student! I have been spending it just like how I spent my high school life. Sucks. So first, I need to learn how to carry myself and not be so possessive of friends. I do not need the latest chi chi (hehehe!) to survive. I am so disappointed now that I am actually thinking of these things. Oh please, Lord. Help me.

Anyway, I was so happy when I got an sms from one of my friends during first year of college. She invited me to her boyfriend's party and promised that she'd sit with me all the time. Hahaha I'd love to go because having a friend like her is an assurance that I am not alone. Some people just know how to get into my attitude and destroy me. Thanks to Kat, who helps me stand up and face the world. I love her! I hope she knows that!

Somethings I want to do starting tomorrow.

Detach. Ruby, no strings attached. Please.
Don't mind other people's business. But keep connections with people you trust.
If they ask you something and a follow-up question (like are you sure?) will be asked, don't answer the follow up question. They don't deserve asking you after all.
If you do not like the person you're with in a group, go to the lib.
Do not volunteer in helping when you feel like you're not the go-to-person.
Care for the people who cares for you too.
Have fun, go out and rekindle friendships with people you haven't been talking to for long.
All work and play. (The busier, the better!)
Just follow your heart.
Prove yourself to those who do not believe in you. (You're better!) Just play it nice and simple. Clean, so to speak. It will not be as hard as you think.

So this list will hopefully try to iron things out with myself. Right now, let me make myself busy by trying to detach. :)

For You

2006-07-18T21:24:00.000+08:00

A Thousand Times.

Lovely phrase. Thanks for the assurance.

PostSecret.Blogspot.Com

2006-07-17T21:52:00.000+08:00

Ithaca

2006-07-17T19:40:00.000+08:00

What I remember about Ithaca by Constantine Cavafy is that it is a place where this certain character lives in and he left home to fight for his countrymen and going home alive will be his greatest achievement.

My own Ithaca right now is to finish pre-med. Two more terms and I feel like its taking so long. I think most of the time spent is worrying about my friends. And I lost one of them already. I lost 4 already, well physically because they had to go different ways but this one is different. If I finish college, I bet you that I'll always be the girl with snacks to offer, the one who reminds what is due tomorrow, the one who is responsible for them in case they'd forget things. I'm that kind of friend to that person. And it saddens me because I'm just that kind of girl to that person. I was never able to talk to that person the way I did with the rest of my friends. Our friendship was just like that. Too much insensitivity. And I can't believe I'm only the safety net.

A while ago, I went to church and it was a relief because for the first time, I was not forced to do so. I felt like it was the right time to get back with Him again. No pressure this time. It was not because I had problems, I felt like I was ready this time. When Anima Christi was played, I felt like I was able to get every issue out of my chest. Truly, you win some, you lose some.

I do not want to be plastic and all so I will just stop being the Ruby that that person knew since we became friends. I want out. I just don't want to be your safety net because I'm not that kind of friend. I'm glad you found another person. And that's the end of it. No explanations needed. It's hurts to see this friendship that survived a lot of trials end this way.

Right now, my Ithaca is to be able to let everything off my chest and appreciate more the people that really do care about my feelings and those which are true to me. I will surprise you guys one day :D

Two Years of Friendship

2006-07-16T20:19:00.000+08:00

We went to La Mesa Dam today and I miss the rain so much. I'd rather that it rained a while ago that get all sweaty because of the heat. It was ok at first, hiking going to our 'camp'. When we tried to do the real thing, my groupmates and I were just trying to finish everything as fast as we could. But we did enjoy it actually. We were serious when we had to be. That's one thing I love about my group.

It gets tiring as the work progresses and I can't blame anyone but the heat and the tiny little ants dancing on our shoes. 5 sampling sites with 4 samples is really very tiring. We had lunch and went on with the work. We looked stupid because we were just walking and the direction we were going to was not the site where we should really be going to. It was tiring! Kind of annoying too!

Anyway, it was fun trying to do things in purpose but not because I just want to do so. I was afraid that it might float away just like that so I really appreciate the effort. Do not worry, I will try my best to be a good friend. This is our last year and I do not want to end it just like that. No bitter endings for me.

Talking nonsense here. Hahaha.

Indifferent

2006-07-12T21:11:00.000+08:00

No classes tomorrow! Yes, rest for many students but I still have my thesis in mind so maybe rest on weekends for me. Except Sunday, because we have an activity at La Mesa Dam.

Anyway, suspended classes then no class tomorrow, two consecutive firsts in my junior year. And third, being indifferent too. I have been posting so many negative things and this is a perfect outlet. I don't care if you're reading this and if you find me so pessimistic and all that. Show me a glass of water, I'd still say its half-filled so there. This isn't really my week and thank God for no classes cause that makes me think less about whatever bothers me!

I can count the number of days I'm going to be in DLSU and it may sound so exciting but its another escapism and I want to avoid and quit escaping. I hate the word indifferent too. Maybe I should start thinking of other ways to counter this disposition. Hahaha, maybe knit (Oh Meredith Grey).

But wait, I'm going to Med School right and I was thinking who plays who in my own version of Grey's Anatomy. I don't want to be like Meredith because she's too whiney. I want the competitiveness of Doctor Yang. I get too attached too like Izzie but I want Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd because she's smart, glamourous and has a wonderful/hott husband. But really, a very good doctor! I know Med School will be fun. I just know it.

I wrote a list of To-Go-To-Doctors from my batch and it was fun doing it because I know who my future doctors are going to be. The thought of reffering patients to each other makes me feel that med school will just be a breeze for most of us.

But I have to stop being indifferent.

Don't Mind Me

2006-07-12T17:52:00.000+08:00

Well, school was suspended when my one and only class was finished already. Haha. But it was all good, I had sometime all for myself and I was able to finish what I was supposed to do anyway. I met with my thesismates and too bad, the library was closed already so we decided to just go home and do research.

So far, I've been battling with myself. It shouldn't matter this much now because I was able to not mind it at all since the start of first term. Well, some people are just taking advantage of lost time with someone. I don't really care at all. I didn't pay my school as much for me to absorb all these realities. Because some people use their you-know-what and I must stop now because the reason is not so nice.

End of ranting.

Maybe I'm really just so possessive of my friends. I don't know whether it is good or bad. Looks like the latter. Or maybe the choice I make with having friends is the problem. I really don't know.

Just don't mind me these days. Hehe

Real People

2006-07-11T19:15:00.000+08:00

I see so many reasons on why I want this term to end.. this school year, actually. I haven't been surrounded by real people. I dunno why those who consider themselves as my friend stick to people whom they can't count on. I mean, if you're going to find another friend over me, one piece of advice, find someone better. Right? Cause if you'll keep coming back to me only when you need something, you are not my friend after all. And I hate you for that. Thanks anyway.

This is such a hate post. I just want to express myself because I cannot tolerate you taking advantage of my kindness. I'm nice and all but really, thanks for making me feel used. I can be giving and all but you're way too much. Grow up! Don't ask me for anything, ask your friends. And don't ask to test me if I'm telling you the truth when you've asked other people already. Trust. Wow. Thanks.

I can't wait for med school.

Hey You!

2006-07-09T22:00:00.000+08:00

First Post.

I'm going through this phase in life where everything is just in front of me, waiting for time to make them happen. Sometimes its unfair because I'm two steps away and then something happens that will move me back 5 times to actually make the thing happen. The thing I'm talking about can refer to anything (okay, redundant) but you get what I mean right?

In a sea of dreaming strangers, there is no probability that everyone will land on their chosen profession. Surely, somehow things will diverge. There are other pathways, just like in Biochemistry which is bombarded with so many btw. Anyway, becoming scientific, I'm actually remembering every bit of lecture I had with my professor. One year of Biochemistry--I hope it stays in that time frame haha and I'm full of it, loving it as time goes by.

Whenever review day comes, they say its not how much you've learned or how advanced your school is in tackling such subject matters.. It's how you understood every bit of concept given by your professor. In choosing the right answer in a multiple choice type of exam, the one who did it pre-empted already what you will be thinking once you've read the question. Smart huh? If it's a Biology exam, you're guarranteed that there's no computations because if there is one, that's the Math part already. This is no joke.

If you've come to hate Math that is why you took Biology, think again.